This post is an extension of an earlier post, in which I talked about where "home" is for me, and how it's changing. I think I wrote it a little after spring break, when I went "home" to Needham and was realizing the ways in which my Needham home and my Haverford home are or aren't really "home."
So now it's HCA Summer, meaning everyone has moved out of their yearlong housing and will soon be moving into the Haverford College Apartments. This will be awesome: I'll be with my friends, we'll have a kitchen so we can cook for ourselves, and HCA just has a chill, social atmosphere. I can easily make our apartment, and HCA, home for the summer.
But right now it's what I refer to as "Gummere week," when we all live in Gummere singles for the first week while they clean out HCA. Now that I've discovered that people hang out in the common room of 1/1, it's a little less lonely, but I'm coming to think of Gummere week as a lonely time. I have Josh and Janela living on my hall, which is awesome, but it's just weird to be on a hall with a bunch of people I don't know, in singles, living away from my friends. Gummere by nature is a bit isolating, since all of the rooms are singles, but I'm used to living here on Freshman halls where everyone at least knows each other if they're not all friends. But this week, I feel like Gummere is way more isolating that usual. I want to come home after work and sit in a living room and cook dinner with my friends, you know? It's not as fun to come back to a deserted hallway where everyone is in their rooms, and I have to start madly texting everyone to see where they are and what they're doing for dinner.
So how does this pertain to home? I guess just that I really appreciate having one. I like having a home base, that's somewhat more permanent than a week, and that's actually homey. Right now I feel like I'm in between homes, and I don't like it. And that's just on-campus homes. I haven't been MA-home since March, and while everyone else has emptied out and gone home to their families and, for the most part, to the places where they grew up, I'll be here until July. And when I do go home to Needham, it will only be for three weeks, to get my wisdom teeth out (ouch!), and attempt to pack my life into two suitcases and a backpack, and then fly off to somewhere else that, yet again, will have to become home.
I think that Argentina can become home, though. It will take some adjustment, some - as everyone keeps stressing - "Culture Shock." But I think I can do it. As long as I have a room that's my own, and hoepfully a nice family, I'll be fine. I'll be there for five months, so I'll develop a sense of "home" as well as a routine. It'll be cool for Mendoza to become home, at least temporarily. I've never formed a daily routine in another country, at least not for more than a week, so this will be a really cool experience for me.
Anyway, time to eat breakfast (alone in my room :'( ) and then go to work...later today I'll post my Summer List!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Other Blogs
Not that I don't love you, but I'm currently participating in two other blogs:
http://24hoursnowhere.tumblr.com/ (which is only for this 24-hour period)
and
http://urmybestfriend.tumblr.com/ (which is for the rest of the summer)
Enjoy! :)
http://24hoursnowhere.tumblr.com/ (which is only for this 24-hour period)
and
http://urmybestfriend.tumblr.com/ (which is for the rest of the summer)
Enjoy! :)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Ramble on Bin Laden Being Dead
Obviously, it's everywhere. It's all over the news, all over facebook, all over the emails my mom sent me this morning. Osama bin Laden is dead. We killed him. Celebrate!
I'm glad that someone filled with so much hate, who had so much power, can no longer use that power for the purposes of hate and violence and terror. I'm glad that people whose lives were affected by September 11th and the war that followed now have some solace. I'm glad that the twelve-year mystery as to where he is has been solved. I'm glad that some sort of punishment has happened against someone who's killed thousands of people in terror attacks, and that people who needed vengeance got it.
I remember one time in middle school, my friend was like "I don't hate anyone." And we were like "No one? Not even Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden?" They were always the example we used for the worst people in the world, because the were evil and our country hated them.
But here's the thing. I don't want to celebrate this. Because first of all, I have an inherent problem with celebrating a death. I also have a problem with calling a person "evil." Yes, I know he's done unspeakably horrible, evil things. But I just have trouble saying "Hoorah, he's dead!", no matter who it's about.
Secondly, terrorism isn't over. I know everyone knows this. But this man was just a symbol, and he's been in hiding for twelve years, and I'm sure that the rest of Al Qaeda can and will go right ahead scheming. There is so much hate in this world. It's not about this one dude, and whether we found him and shot him, maybe without ever even trying to capture him alive. Children are instilled with hate every day, by Al Qaeda and other organizations and in their daily life and in their homes, in the Middle East and Asia and Europe and Africa and the U.S. and all over the world. Hate is the problem, and we didn't get rid of that with the bullet that killed Osama bin Laden yesterday.
I'm glad that someone filled with so much hate, who had so much power, can no longer use that power for the purposes of hate and violence and terror. I'm glad that people whose lives were affected by September 11th and the war that followed now have some solace. I'm glad that the twelve-year mystery as to where he is has been solved. I'm glad that some sort of punishment has happened against someone who's killed thousands of people in terror attacks, and that people who needed vengeance got it.
I remember one time in middle school, my friend was like "I don't hate anyone." And we were like "No one? Not even Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden?" They were always the example we used for the worst people in the world, because the were evil and our country hated them.
But here's the thing. I don't want to celebrate this. Because first of all, I have an inherent problem with celebrating a death. I also have a problem with calling a person "evil." Yes, I know he's done unspeakably horrible, evil things. But I just have trouble saying "Hoorah, he's dead!", no matter who it's about.
Secondly, terrorism isn't over. I know everyone knows this. But this man was just a symbol, and he's been in hiding for twelve years, and I'm sure that the rest of Al Qaeda can and will go right ahead scheming. There is so much hate in this world. It's not about this one dude, and whether we found him and shot him, maybe without ever even trying to capture him alive. Children are instilled with hate every day, by Al Qaeda and other organizations and in their daily life and in their homes, in the Middle East and Asia and Europe and Africa and the U.S. and all over the world. Hate is the problem, and we didn't get rid of that with the bullet that killed Osama bin Laden yesterday.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Don't Be Afraid to Be Yourself
Reblog and bold what applies to you.
- I’m loud.
- I’m sarcastic.
- I cry easily.
- I have a bad temper.
- I’m easy to get along with.
- I have more enemies than friends.
- I’ve smoked.
- I drink coffee.
- I clean my room daily.
My appearance:
- I wear makeup.
- I wear a piece of jewelry at all times.
- I wear contacts
- I have braces
- I have glasses
- I change my hair color often.
- I have a piercing.
- I have small feet
Relationships:
- I’m in a relationship now.
- I’m single.
- I’m crushin’.
- I’ve missed an ex before.
- I’m always scared of being hurt.
- I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
- I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
- I’ve been in love more than two times.
- I believe in love at first sight.
Friendships:
- I have a best friend.
- I have at least ten REAL friends.
- I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
- I’ve beaten up a friend.
- I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
- I can trust at least five people with my life.
Experiences:
- I’ve been on a plane.
- I’ve taken a taxi.
- I’ve taken a city bus.
- I’ve taken a school bus.
- I’ve made a speech.
- I’ve been in some sort of school club.
- I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
Music:
- I listen to R&B.
- I listen to pop.
- I listen to techno.
- I listen to rock.
- I’m one of those people who plays songs repeatedly until I hate it.
- I download music.
- I buy CD’s.
Family Life:
- I get along with both of my parents for the most part.
- My biological parents are still together.
- I have at least one brother.
- I have at least one sister.
- I’ve been kicked out of the house.
- I’ve ran away from my home.
- I’ve sworn at my parents.
- I’ve made my parents cry
- I’ve lied to my parents…
- I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
- I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.
- I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.
Hair:
- I’ve been brown
- I’ve had streaks.
- I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
- I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
- I’ve been blonde.
- I’ve had black.
- I’ve been red.
- I’ve been light brown.
- I use conditioner.
- I’ve curled my hair.
- I’ve straightened my hair.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Rant
Sorry in advance - it's 2AM and I'm pretty tired, but I just want to rant for a brief second. So for Spanish class, we're currently studying feminicide in Cuidad Juárez, Mexico. Our homework this weekend was to watch a movie on reserve in the library - it's fiction, but it's centered on this issue of young women, often workers in the maquilas (factories) being kidnapped and brutally attacked and killed. I won't go into detail about what was actually shown in the movie, but it was horribly, horribly graphic and involved rape and brutal murder and a lot of awful things that they just straight-up showed on screen. Now I'm already stressed out and in a really shitty mood, and I'm sitting alone on the 4th tier of Magill at 10:30pm, watching what I thought was going to be just another Spanish movie, and freaking out because I feel like I have to finish it, or at least keep watching enough to know the ending.
Like, can I get a trigger warning? ANY kind of warning? I don't remember her ever saying in class that the movie we were going to be watching would be graphic or violent, or anything like that. And I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, so I want to know what other people think. I was just so upset that I ended up basically fast-forwarding through a lot of the second half of the movie because I just couldn't watch it. And I saw plenty to be able to figure out what was going on in the movie, and even though I know it wasn't real, those images are haunting. Should we have been warned? Should watching that kind of thing be optional, even if it's for class or some other intellectual purpose? Or should people just be able to deal with it because it's fiction, like a horror movie?
Like, can I get a trigger warning? ANY kind of warning? I don't remember her ever saying in class that the movie we were going to be watching would be graphic or violent, or anything like that. And I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, so I want to know what other people think. I was just so upset that I ended up basically fast-forwarding through a lot of the second half of the movie because I just couldn't watch it. And I saw plenty to be able to figure out what was going on in the movie, and even though I know it wasn't real, those images are haunting. Should we have been warned? Should watching that kind of thing be optional, even if it's for class or some other intellectual purpose? Or should people just be able to deal with it because it's fiction, like a horror movie?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Accent Vlog!
I stole this from Jessi, cause it seems like a fun idea, and also because I've never made a vlog before. I want to know if anyone thinks I have an accent or say anything weird, cause I don't think I do, but hey, it's all relative :)
So here are the words and questions:
Some words that I think should be added but didn't think of before I made it: Museum, Enough, and Marinara.
"Museum" is kind of like "theater" in that I used to say myoo-Zam like "sam," but got made fun of so now I say "myoo-Zee-um." For "enough," I used to say "ee-Nuff," but someone made fun of me so now I say "uh-Nuff" or "eh-Nuff." My friend also told me the other day that I say "marinara" wrong (with both a's like in "arctic" instead of "air"). According to Josh, people in Washington (state, not DC) actually pronounce the t's at the end of words, like "quiet" or whatever, but I don't..or in the middle of words really (like Jessi said, "little" = liddle). Oh and in Boston we have this word "frappe," which I say as one syllable, like "frap." But it just means a milkshake. I say milkshake in everyday life or in a restaurant, but if you're getting one in an ice cream shop specifically it's probably on the menu as a frappe. Isn't that weird?
How do you guys say these things? Or better yet, post a vlog so I can see! :)
So here are the words and questions:
Aunt, Route, Theater, Iron, Caramel, Water, Sure, Data, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught/Cot, Dawn/Don
- What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
- What is the bug called that curls into a ball when you touch it?
- What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
- What do you call gym shoes?
- What do you say to address a group of people?
- What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
- What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
Some words that I think should be added but didn't think of before I made it: Museum, Enough, and Marinara.
"Museum" is kind of like "theater" in that I used to say myoo-Zam like "sam," but got made fun of so now I say "myoo-Zee-um." For "enough," I used to say "ee-Nuff," but someone made fun of me so now I say "uh-Nuff" or "eh-Nuff." My friend also told me the other day that I say "marinara" wrong (with both a's like in "arctic" instead of "air"). According to Josh, people in Washington (state, not DC) actually pronounce the t's at the end of words, like "quiet" or whatever, but I don't..or in the middle of words really (like Jessi said, "little" = liddle). Oh and in Boston we have this word "frappe," which I say as one syllable, like "frap." But it just means a milkshake. I say milkshake in everyday life or in a restaurant, but if you're getting one in an ice cream shop specifically it's probably on the menu as a frappe. Isn't that weird?
How do you guys say these things? Or better yet, post a vlog so I can see! :)
Ramble on Maintaining My Jewishness in College
I decided that for the first time since sophomore or junior year of high school, I'm going to keep Passover this year. There are a few reasons for this. It has nothing to do with God, or an actual belief in the Passover story. In fact, my dad just told me that since the Egyptians have no record at all of the Israelites ever having been in Egypt, much less enslaved and then magically freed, the whole thing is likely a myth that the higher-ups fabricated back in the day to make the Jews appreciate (and feel indebted to) God. It's actually mainly because I feel like I haven't met my Jewish quota for the year, and I feel really disconnected from the whole thing. I went to Rosh Hashannah eve services with JSU, and then fasted on Yom Kippur because I didn't feel like actually going to temple. I've never really liked services all that much anyway - I'm much more of a community Jew than a God-focused one. So I'll do things like fast and not eat bread because I'm part of the community. Even so, I never go to any JSU events or Shabbat dinners, and if I had planned this ahead, I could've participated in the Passover co-op instead of doing it on my own. So yes, it's in the spirit of community, because many Jews are also abstaining from eating leavened bread at this time, but I'm also kind of failing at actually actively being part of the community.
Anyway, my first and so far only meal after sundown last night was lunch this morning, at which they had my favorite: burgers. I always put cheese and lettuce on my burger, so I just did that but with a fork and knife instead of putting it on a bun. Good Jew, right? Wrong. It took two of my non-Jewish friends to make me realize that cheeseburgers aren't kosher. ...Fail.
I keep saying I'll go to JSU events, especially cause there's non-DC food at a lot of them (food: a main Jewish priority), but I'm always just too busy or unmotivated or don't have a friend to go with. But all my life before college I was always at temple at least once a week for Hebrew School, which I went to through 12th grade; I served on two committees and was on the board of my youth group for three years. I'm facebook friends with both my rabbis (wait, everyone chill out, they're both young), and I'm still in touch with my youth group advisor (who incidentally graduated from Haverford in '07). But I got here and, poof, no more community Jew. I guess at home I didn't have to try. I also didn't have to feel bad about not keeping kosher for Passover, since I was at temple all the time anyway and didn't really see the purpose (quota, like I said, even if it's subconscious). But here I have to try, and actively think about how I'm going stay a part of this community. I have no back-up quota for if I don't want to go to High Holy Day services because I don't really like praying anyway, but still feel enough like a part of the community. If I don't go, and I don't keep kosher for passover, then I've done nothing Jewish the entire year, and then I feel like I'm abandoning it, which I don't want to do.
I don't know where this ramble was going. I think my cheeseburger fail earlier today just made me see the difference between my intentions, or my ideal, and what has actually ended up happening once I came to college. In theory, I'd love to go to JSU or whatever and keep up that part of my identity, but it just hasn't happened, and I feel like I'd be lying to myself if I made a promise to start being active once I come back from abroad. I guess we'll see.
Oh, and for your amusement, here are some Passover- or exodus-related videos:
Anyway, my first and so far only meal after sundown last night was lunch this morning, at which they had my favorite: burgers. I always put cheese and lettuce on my burger, so I just did that but with a fork and knife instead of putting it on a bun. Good Jew, right? Wrong. It took two of my non-Jewish friends to make me realize that cheeseburgers aren't kosher. ...Fail.
I keep saying I'll go to JSU events, especially cause there's non-DC food at a lot of them (food: a main Jewish priority), but I'm always just too busy or unmotivated or don't have a friend to go with. But all my life before college I was always at temple at least once a week for Hebrew School, which I went to through 12th grade; I served on two committees and was on the board of my youth group for three years. I'm facebook friends with both my rabbis (wait, everyone chill out, they're both young), and I'm still in touch with my youth group advisor (who incidentally graduated from Haverford in '07). But I got here and, poof, no more community Jew. I guess at home I didn't have to try. I also didn't have to feel bad about not keeping kosher for Passover, since I was at temple all the time anyway and didn't really see the purpose (quota, like I said, even if it's subconscious). But here I have to try, and actively think about how I'm going stay a part of this community. I have no back-up quota for if I don't want to go to High Holy Day services because I don't really like praying anyway, but still feel enough like a part of the community. If I don't go, and I don't keep kosher for passover, then I've done nothing Jewish the entire year, and then I feel like I'm abandoning it, which I don't want to do.
I don't know where this ramble was going. I think my cheeseburger fail earlier today just made me see the difference between my intentions, or my ideal, and what has actually ended up happening once I came to college. In theory, I'd love to go to JSU or whatever and keep up that part of my identity, but it just hasn't happened, and I feel like I'd be lying to myself if I made a promise to start being active once I come back from abroad. I guess we'll see.
Oh, and for your amusement, here are some Passover- or exodus-related videos:
Monday, April 18, 2011
Things You Learn in College, but Not in Class
Except I edited it, because not everything is applicable...
- Quarters are like gold. Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.
- Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.
- New additions to the food groups: Coffee, chips, soft serve, and oreos.
- Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
- Duct tape heals all wounds.
- Showers become less important.
- Sleep becomes more important.
- 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.
- Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.
- You begin to nap again.
- The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.
- E-mail becomes your second language.
- Lacrosse parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
- Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.
- You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
- You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
- Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
- Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
- Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
- Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
- Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
- Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
- Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
- You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it’s not.
- Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
- Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
- Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
- You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time
- Any game can be made into a drinking game.
- Disney movies are more than just classics.
- Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
- You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
- Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.
- Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
- Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
- ATMs are the devil’s advocate.
- Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
- You almost forget how to drive.
- You’ll drink anything if it’s free.
- You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
- The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
- Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.
- You never realized how cool you can be.
- TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
- You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.
- Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
- You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.
- You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.
- You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls/boys, activities, work, parties.
- You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
- People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
- You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
- You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.
- Procrastination becomes an art.
- Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
- The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
- With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.
- Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
- Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
- You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
- Classes: the later the better.
- The cute people actually talk to you now.
- Care packages make it all worthwhile.
- The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.
- Always wear your safety goggles. They’re not kidding.
- You don’t learn last names.
- Card games never lasted for hours before.
- Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
- Boys will dance in college.
- People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
- You are NEVER alone.
- It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
- You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing. (They're not.)
- People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
- All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.
- You never realized how quiet your house was.
- Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.
- You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
- Your life will never be the same again.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Happy Pinwheel Day!
Here are all the reasons why today is awesome:
- It's Pinwheel Day! For those of you outside the Haverbubble, Pinwheel Day is when the magical black squirrel comes in the night and covers Founders Green with pinwheels. (Actually, it's probably the arboretum.) It signifies spring, and I think it's supposed to be on the first super-warm day when it won't get cold again. It's also on a weekday I think.
- I made myself eggs over easy in the DC this morning, which is one of my favorite breakfasts
- I got my picture taken with the HCBlackSquirrel, which got posted on Twitter!!! Check out @HCblacksquirrel
- It's super warm and beautiful out
- There are gorgeous flowers everywhere
- It was grilled cheese for lunch
- I basked in the sun
- There is a lovely breeze in my room
- It's Pinwheel Day!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Existential Thoughts on Life and Death
You guys, I don't want to be depressing. But sometimes shit is fucking depressing, you know? I can't get this off my mind. I have this acquaintance. Friend. I don't know. I eat breakfast with her a couple times a week, but that's all I ever really see of her, and she's a good friend of a good friend. Beyond that, since some people at Haverford now read this, I don't want to identify her. But like, her sister died. In some freak accident on an exchange trip. I don't know what happened because I haven't asked, and honestly I'm getting this info from someone else's blog in the first place. But I can't stop thinking about it. Why the fuck would that happen? These two English teachers at my high school, Mr. Flaggert and Mr. Koup, always used to say in class whenever we studied anything remotely existential or involving death that it's like, at any second a plane could fall from the sky, or you could scratch your hand on the desk and get an infection, or someone could hit you driving home - anyone could die at any second. And then when I was a senior, they found this random blood clot in Mr. Koup's leg and he was in the hospital for a couple days, but they caught it removed it and he was fine. And we were all like "Holy shit it's true, he could've died from this random blood clot - anyone can die at any second." But you don't really grasp something like that. Why do "freak accidents" happen to random people? Why a 16-year-old with friends and a family? It's like this giant fluke in the world. And it's not even really my thing; I never knew her, and I'm not even that close to her sister. But I can't stop thinking about it. I just don't get why anyone should have to go through this.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Ramble on Home
Before spring break, I started this post, which I never posted. I'm starting over now, but a lot of the thoughts are the same.
I feel like I'm hitting that point in my college career where I don't really know where home is anymore. I feel like home is where I have my life, and my routine. But I have a life in two places, a routine in two places, close friends and even family in two places. In Massachusetts, I have Needham and Boston, which are two places that will always be home to me, despite any issues I have with Needham's culture. It's where I grew up, and my loyalties will always be to my hometown and my home city. My house is a different issue; that hasn't felt like home for awhile. I mean, it does. It's my house. But it hasn't been a homey house for years. It's not a place where I can cook or sit on a couch and watch TV or really be anywhere besides eating in the kitchen or hanging out/working in my room. My room is home. But at the same time, my room is home because of my things, and all of the things that I need or use are either here with me in PA or come out of a suitcase when I'm in Needham. That's not really home. Sometimes when I'm there on break, I feel like I'm borrowing my room, inhabiting it for a short time. Sure, everything on the walls is mine, but everything feels dated. The pictures are all from 8th-12th grade; the Sunday comics on my closet door date back to 2006. I was the one who put everything on those walls, but I did it so many years ago, it's like a record of my high school years rather than something that continues to grow and change and be mine. I have a routine in Needham too; I know my way around, I have places I go. But that routine is contingent on my friends' being home at the same time as I am, which doesn't always happen, and then it feels like I'm just going back to this place that I've left, that isn't really mine anymore.
Haverford is home too, and Gummere is home, and my hall and my dorm room are home. But they're homes that will expire on May 15th, at least the Gummere part, and my lease on Haverford is up in May 2013. Can home be home, or as homey as the place I grew up, if it's that temporary? Maybe I'm spoiled to have such a permanent concept of home. But at the same time, I feel like the harder I cling to the Haverbubble, the harder it will be to let go of when I graduate. Yes, I'm clinging hard, and it will be hard. But I always have that in the back of my mind, that one day I have to leave. My room is home, but I have to set it up again every year, and figure out what to put in a suitcase when I go back and forth so that I can feel most comfortable in both places. I don't know yet what will be home next year - maybe Jones - but until January I won't even have a home because I'll be in Argentina, where I'll be living in someone else's house for five months. Once I get back, I'll have a room and a suite and a dorm again, but only for a semester. I definitely feel at home on this campus, in this community, if not in a particular dorm, but as I said before, the community will kick me out after senior year, and life will go on.
I feel like I'm at that stage in life where I don't have a home, or I'm in between homes. That sort of scares me, but it's thrilling at the same time. Whenever I hear stories in movies or from real life of people setting off with nothing, or with a suitcase, or with whatever can fit in the trunk of their car, it terrifies me. I'm so material, and so connected to places and spaces. I don't know how I could ever stand to do that. But at the same time, I kind of want to, just to prove to myself that I can. Maybe someday I will. When I go abroad, I will be doing that in a way, although I'll be coming back afterwards. I'll have to do it when I graduate. I can't use my Needham room as a storage place forever, and once I set out on my own, that room definitely won't be home anymore.
In Garden State, there's this scene where Andrew and Sam are sitting in a pool, and he says to her, "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.... You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."
I don't believe the last part about a family being a group of people that miss the same imaginary place, but the rest of it seems totally legit to me. I feel like my house isn't entirely home anymore, that home is sort of somewhere in between that house and Haverford and the world at large. And I won't be settling down anywhere for awhile, so I guess for the next however many years, home will be in between. I think that'll be good for me though, that rite of passage.
I feel like I'm hitting that point in my college career where I don't really know where home is anymore. I feel like home is where I have my life, and my routine. But I have a life in two places, a routine in two places, close friends and even family in two places. In Massachusetts, I have Needham and Boston, which are two places that will always be home to me, despite any issues I have with Needham's culture. It's where I grew up, and my loyalties will always be to my hometown and my home city. My house is a different issue; that hasn't felt like home for awhile. I mean, it does. It's my house. But it hasn't been a homey house for years. It's not a place where I can cook or sit on a couch and watch TV or really be anywhere besides eating in the kitchen or hanging out/working in my room. My room is home. But at the same time, my room is home because of my things, and all of the things that I need or use are either here with me in PA or come out of a suitcase when I'm in Needham. That's not really home. Sometimes when I'm there on break, I feel like I'm borrowing my room, inhabiting it for a short time. Sure, everything on the walls is mine, but everything feels dated. The pictures are all from 8th-12th grade; the Sunday comics on my closet door date back to 2006. I was the one who put everything on those walls, but I did it so many years ago, it's like a record of my high school years rather than something that continues to grow and change and be mine. I have a routine in Needham too; I know my way around, I have places I go. But that routine is contingent on my friends' being home at the same time as I am, which doesn't always happen, and then it feels like I'm just going back to this place that I've left, that isn't really mine anymore.
Haverford is home too, and Gummere is home, and my hall and my dorm room are home. But they're homes that will expire on May 15th, at least the Gummere part, and my lease on Haverford is up in May 2013. Can home be home, or as homey as the place I grew up, if it's that temporary? Maybe I'm spoiled to have such a permanent concept of home. But at the same time, I feel like the harder I cling to the Haverbubble, the harder it will be to let go of when I graduate. Yes, I'm clinging hard, and it will be hard. But I always have that in the back of my mind, that one day I have to leave. My room is home, but I have to set it up again every year, and figure out what to put in a suitcase when I go back and forth so that I can feel most comfortable in both places. I don't know yet what will be home next year - maybe Jones - but until January I won't even have a home because I'll be in Argentina, where I'll be living in someone else's house for five months. Once I get back, I'll have a room and a suite and a dorm again, but only for a semester. I definitely feel at home on this campus, in this community, if not in a particular dorm, but as I said before, the community will kick me out after senior year, and life will go on.
I feel like I'm at that stage in life where I don't have a home, or I'm in between homes. That sort of scares me, but it's thrilling at the same time. Whenever I hear stories in movies or from real life of people setting off with nothing, or with a suitcase, or with whatever can fit in the trunk of their car, it terrifies me. I'm so material, and so connected to places and spaces. I don't know how I could ever stand to do that. But at the same time, I kind of want to, just to prove to myself that I can. Maybe someday I will. When I go abroad, I will be doing that in a way, although I'll be coming back afterwards. I'll have to do it when I graduate. I can't use my Needham room as a storage place forever, and once I set out on my own, that room definitely won't be home anymore.
In Garden State, there's this scene where Andrew and Sam are sitting in a pool, and he says to her, "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.... You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."
I don't believe the last part about a family being a group of people that miss the same imaginary place, but the rest of it seems totally legit to me. I feel like my house isn't entirely home anymore, that home is sort of somewhere in between that house and Haverford and the world at large. And I won't be settling down anywhere for awhile, so I guess for the next however many years, home will be in between. I think that'll be good for me though, that rite of passage.
Things That Are Motivating Me Right Now
This card, for one, which I keep in my desk drawer:
I also really love this worry stone I got at this awesome store in Provincetown two summers ago. I always keep it in my purse (as you can see from the sides of it, which used to be white). I do always try to listen to my heart, and anyway, I think my heart would win out even if I didn't, because that's just how I am. But it's a comfort whenever I look at it, to see it and just know that whatever happens, and no matter how much I want to stress out and overanalyze everything, I should just stay true to what my heart and my gut tell me, and I'll be fine. It's so simple, and so clear.
Maybe these things can inspire you too!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
BEST THING EVER
This week's episode of Glee.
Also all the gifs here that I would post, but apparently Blogger doesn't like gifs. And they'll probably go away soon anyway.
Also this quote:
Brittany: This relationship is confusing for me.
Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany: Well, sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's salty, like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then...what is it?
Also all the gifs here that I would post, but apparently Blogger doesn't like gifs. And they'll probably go away soon anyway.
Also this quote:
Brittany: This relationship is confusing for me.
Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany: Well, sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's salty, like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then...what is it?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Everyone Is Gay...dot com
But seriously.
http://everyoneisgay.com/
This website makes me die laughing. It brings me close to tears. Some of their advice is just so true I want to save it forever and ever an remind myself of it when I'm having troubles or doubts in life or relationships or friendships or whatever.
Also I'm really bored on break and I'm almost up to page 40 of it.
But today's advice about hate just really made me think. And it made me sad. And on page 38 they give advice about unconditional love, and conditional love like "I only love you when you're acting this way" being bullshit. And I know I don't ever update this thing anymore but I just want to proclaim my love for this website.
It's awesome. Go check it out.
http://everyoneisgay.com/
This website makes me die laughing. It brings me close to tears. Some of their advice is just so true I want to save it forever and ever an remind myself of it when I'm having troubles or doubts in life or relationships or friendships or whatever.
Also I'm really bored on break and I'm almost up to page 40 of it.
But today's advice about hate just really made me think. And it made me sad. And on page 38 they give advice about unconditional love, and conditional love like "I only love you when you're acting this way" being bullshit. And I know I don't ever update this thing anymore but I just want to proclaim my love for this website.
It's awesome. Go check it out.