This is one that always eludes me. What the hell is love anyway? When I say love, I mean "I Love You" kind of love, with capital letters, as in being in love with someone. How can you define that???
Whatever it is, it calls for a ramble. (A really, really long ramble, apparently. This might actually be the rambliest ramble I've ever written. Whoops.) So here goes.
In my philosophy class first semester, we talked about how reason separates humans from animals, but I think emotion does too. I don't think love is just an instinct – I don't think animals can feel this kind of love. I think it's more of a deep emotional connection that is a distinctively human phenomenon. And I think it takes time to create this connection, which is why I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust at first sight, and really awesome chemistry at first sight, but I don't think you can love someone without knowing him or her incredibly well. But at the same time, I'm not sure if you can really put a time frame on how long that takes either. I mean, I know of many times when people have said "I Love You" too soon, before they really meant it. That's bad. But can you ever really advise those people, "You need to wait at least a month," or something like that? How fast can love happen? How fast can you really get to know a person? Or do you really have to get to know them all that well before you feel that thing that you identify as being Love? I feel like it’s a gradual thing; it's not just a black and white, I'm in love or I'm not. Even though we make it black and white because when someone says it, there's this moment when it's established. But how else would we express it for sure, than that moment when we say it out loud? There's always the "I'm falling for you" line - that shows how it's gradual - but how do you really know (other than "you just know") when you've fallen for someone?
Which of course brings up the issue of how to know you're actually in love, and don't just have a super big crush, or just feel really comfortable, or it's just been long enough that you're sick of not having said it. I'd like to believe that it's more complicated than [time + really big crush + feeling comfortable + chemistry = Love]. I've heard, as I mentioned, that "You Just Know," which I'm putting in capital letters because it's intimidating and scary (at least to me). What if you just think you know, and you really believe you know, and then you realize you were wrong? Saying "I Love You" and not meaning it, or having to take it back later, is basically one of the worst things ever. It's something you never want to hear taken back.
But what if you thought you loved someone, and then it turned out that they weren't the person you thought they were? I think that all we can ever really understand of anyone is the concept of that person we have in our own mind, which will always be flawed and limited. So can we ever really love another person, or can we only really love our concept of that person and who we think they are? That's kind of depressing. Or maybe it isn't. All we can know about even ourselves is our self-concept, which can be just as twisted and wrong as our concept of someone else. It's just how the mind works. (Thank you, Social Cognition term paper.)
Going back to when to say "I Love You," I once read a quote that was something like, "Don’t make decisions when angry, and don’t make promises when happy." I knew the first part, but I hadn't really thought about the second. It makes sense, though. Just like you can be overly mean and unfair when you're all upset and riled up, you can be unrealistically optimistic when you're in a really good mood. And to say "I Love You" is kind of like a promise. It's like a promise that you mean it, and all of the things that go along with that. So maybe people shouldn't say I Love You when really, really happy at the moment, just like we shouldn't send nasty, unfair emails or texts when we're mad; we need to wait until we're emotionally balanced again to make sure we're saying what we really mean.
And off on another tangent, is anyone else really annoyed by how difficult it is to say "I love you" to a significant other without its meaning that you're in love with that person? I feel like when you're flirting, or you're first start something with someone, or even if you've been in it for awhile but aren't ready to proclaim that you're in love with them, the natural reaction so often is to say I love you, but then you don't because that phrase is off limits or something. It's reserved for something bigger. But you can love someone without being in love with them. There are so many different kinds of love. So why do we censor ourselves and find something else to say when we want to say I love you, but not to mean that we're in love? It's silly. I think we should be able to say it, and then when we mean to say that we're in love with someone we should just say that, I'm In Love With You.
Ok, I think that’s enough rambling on this topic, seeing as I could probably ramble about it forever and ever, and I basically already have. :P
Wow, that was long...
4 comments:
"Can we ever really love another person, or can we only really love our concept of that person and who we think they are?"
That's a good question... Definitely something to think about. Personally, I feel like love isn't automatically void when you realize someone isn't who you thought they were... You still loved the person, whether or not circumstances have changed. I don't feel like love can be measured by logic- if you feel that strongly about someone, it doesn't really matter why you do, or how, or what made you feel that way- you just do, and it can't really be changed. Although the feeling can't be changed, though, it is certainly true that love is not enough to make a relationship work. People who are abused still love their partners, despite the reasons why logically they should not. When people choose to leave abusive partners, it's not b/c they don't love them anymore- it is that they are able to see past the love and realize that when things get that bad, love doesn't really matter anymore. Of course I believe love fades over time, but when people look back and think "I never loved that person, really", I wonder if logic is getting in the way, or their current emotion is making them doubt something that really was love when they felt it.
The idea of "I love you" being a promise is something that I definitely agree with. I loved someone once, but knew it wasn't going to work out, b/c of the whole logic piece. I didn't say "I love you", because I didn't think it was right to imply a commitment, when I knew there couldn't be one even semi-long term.
And yes- it is so aggravating how you can't say I love you to someone you're dating without it meaning "I'm in love with you". Especially in relationships with 2 women- those usually start at friendships, and usually the attraction grows out of friendship love... And then the lines get blurry, and it's confusing and hard to decipher what is still friendship love, and what is romantic love. To this day, I don't know if my ex-girlfriend and I were saying "I love you" to each other in a friend way, like we did before we started dating, or in an "I'm in love with you" way. I know that I meant it as a friendship thing, but I have no idea what she thought I meant.
On that note, I love you! haha. Your rambles are my favorite. <3
well your comments are my favorite! <3
you make some really good points, which are definitely making me think. especially about how love isn't logical, and how you can still love someone who's abusing you even though logically they're doing awful things to you and thus probably aren't worthy of your love. and also about looking back on love and not knowing if you ever loved someone at all - if it's so hard to know whether it's love in the moment, it makes sense that it can be even harder to tell looking back.
I love you too! :P
One, it wasn’t that long, especially considering the issue you were rambling about. Like you said there are so many different kinds of love, sometimes I think we jumble them up. I love you, but I also love my dad and I love sunsets and freshly mowed grass. But the way I love all of those and the reasons are completely different. I think when we don’t have choices; family love gets into that hard to define area too. Why do you love your parents? You just do. You may like things about them, you may not but you do. With things that we have choices over, it’s easier to discern what we love about a specific thing because some choice was made to, in a way. For example, I didn’t choose to love sunsets. But I love that they are beautiful and the way they make me feel a part of that beauty. I can specifically say what makes me love sunsets. When it comes to relationships there are so many levels of love and as time goes on, as we realize we don’t want to be alone, we accept what we should and say what we should because we fear the alternatives. There are times that we love certain aspects about a person and at the same time despise them. That confuses us because of their opposing natures about that person. But it’s quite simple: I love that Mr. Smith was an Art History major but I despise what he does for a living and how he lives his life which are a direct reflection of the man he is. Then there’s loving someone for who they are, I think that’s easier to figure out. Usually that is that combination of liking WHO that person is, how you are with them/ your relationship and genuine care for that person which is what we call love. That’s how we love our friends, the people we choose to let into our lives. Roughly. Obviously there is a vast amount of subjectivity and variation on that but in general. When it comes to being IN love with someone, you do love him or her, in the very same way that you love a friend. However, there is this feeling that is mutual (if it’s not it’s not love, it’s infatuation). That’s part of the reason it’s so hard to nail down. It’s a mix of feelings that you feel and receive (safety, comfort, attraction, concern, interest, etc). The reason people you just know or something equally vague is because it is so unique to each person or people and because it’s virtually impossible to describe it. Which I realize is completely unhelpful. But a lot of things are indescribable: the feeling of jumping into something from a height, being kissed for the first time (or in general), watching the sunrise. Any number of things. With love it’s more frustrating because it results in huge life altering decisions. It’s one of the real things that people feel and it’s hard to deal with. It’s something that you can’t over analyze. You decide what it is for you. You just let it happen. Those are two contradictory statements but both true.
And of course that doesn't even cover the whole sex/romance/attraction bit which is intricately and intimately tied in but also, it's own beast.
Anyway, looks like I've rambled a bit too. Opps.
oh but it's so much fun to overanalyze! :D
but i definitely agree that it's different for each person, and beyond that probably for each time you love someone different. i like your description that it's "a mix of feelings that you feel and receive (safety, comfort, attraction, concern, interest, etc)." I didn't even think about the receiving aspect of it, but that's definitely a major part of it too.
Anyway, thanks for the comment! More things to think about :) And bonus points when my rambles inspire others to ramble as well... :P
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