Ramble on Home

Before spring break, I started this post, which I never posted. I'm starting over now, but a lot of the thoughts are the same.

I feel like I'm hitting that point in my college career where I don't really know where home is anymore. I feel like home is where I have my life, and my routine. But I have a life in two places, a routine in two places, close friends and even family in two places. In Massachusetts, I have Needham and Boston, which are two places that will always be home to me, despite any issues I have with Needham's culture. It's where I grew up, and my loyalties will always be to my hometown and my home city. My house is a different issue; that hasn't felt like home for awhile. I mean, it does. It's my house. But it hasn't been a homey house for years. It's not a place where I can cook or sit on a couch and watch TV or really be anywhere besides eating in the kitchen or hanging out/working in my room. My room is home. But at the same time, my room is home because of my things, and all of the things that I need or use are either here with me in PA or come out of a suitcase when I'm in Needham. That's not really home. Sometimes when I'm there on break, I feel like I'm borrowing my room, inhabiting it for a short time. Sure, everything on the walls is mine, but everything feels dated. The pictures are all from 8th-12th grade; the Sunday comics on my closet door date back to 2006. I was the one who put everything on those walls, but I did it so many years ago, it's like a record of my high school years rather than something that continues to grow and change and be mine. I have a routine in Needham too; I know my way around, I have places I go. But that routine is contingent on my friends' being home at the same time as I am, which doesn't always happen, and then it feels like I'm just going back to this place that I've left, that isn't really mine anymore.

Haverford is home too, and Gummere is home, and my hall and my dorm room are home. But they're homes that will expire on May 15th, at least the Gummere part, and my lease on Haverford is up in May 2013. Can home be home, or as homey as the place I grew up, if it's that temporary? Maybe I'm spoiled to have such a permanent concept of home. But at the same time, I feel like the harder I cling to the Haverbubble, the harder it will be to let go of when I graduate. Yes, I'm clinging hard, and it will be hard. But I always have that in the back of my mind, that one day I have to leave. My room is home, but I have to set it up again every year, and figure out what to put in a suitcase when I go back and forth so that I can feel most comfortable in both places. I don't know yet what will be home next year - maybe Jones - but until January I won't even have a home because I'll be in Argentina, where I'll be living in someone else's house for five months. Once I get back, I'll have a room and a suite and a dorm again, but only for a semester. I definitely feel at home on this campus, in this community, if not in a particular dorm, but as I said before, the community will kick me out after senior year, and life will go on.

I feel like I'm at that stage in life where I don't have a home, or I'm in between homes. That sort of scares me, but it's thrilling at the same time. Whenever I hear stories in movies or from real life of people setting off with nothing, or with a suitcase, or with whatever can fit in the trunk of their car, it terrifies me. I'm so material, and so connected to places and spaces. I don't know how I could ever stand to do that. But at the same time, I kind of want to, just to prove to myself that I can. Maybe someday I will. When I go abroad, I will be doing that in a way, although I'll be coming back afterwards. I'll have to do it when I graduate. I can't use my Needham room as a storage place forever, and once I set out on my own, that room definitely won't be home anymore.

In Garden State, there's this scene where Andrew and Sam are sitting in a pool, and he says to her, "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.... You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

I don't believe the last part about a family being a group of people that miss the same imaginary place, but the rest of it seems totally legit to me. I feel like my house isn't entirely home anymore, that home is sort of somewhere in between that house and Haverford and the world at large. And I won't be settling down anywhere for awhile, so I guess for the next however many years, home will be in between. I think that'll be good for me though, that rite of passage.

Things That Are Motivating Me Right Now

This card, for one, which I keep in my desk drawer:

Inside:

A friend gave it to me a few weeks ago as an inspirational pick-me-up sort of thing, just to keep around. I don't want to get into the context, but it meant a lot to me. There are multiple people I wish I could give it to, because it makes me feel better whenever I look at it (both because of the message and also because I know the person who gave it to me is there for me), and I want to make other people feel better. Unfortunately, I only have one, and I don't know where to get more, so here it is for you on my blog.

I also really love this worry stone I got at this awesome store in Provincetown two summers ago. I always keep it in my purse (as you can see from the sides of it, which used to be white). I do always try to listen to my heart, and anyway, I think my heart would win out even if I didn't, because that's just how I am. But it's a comfort whenever I look at it, to see it and just know that whatever happens, and no matter how much I want to stress out and overanalyze everything, I should just stay true to what my heart and my gut tell me, and I'll be fine. It's so simple, and so clear.

Maybe these things can inspire you too!

BEST THING EVER

This week's episode of Glee.

Also all the gifs here that I would post, but apparently Blogger doesn't like gifs. And they'll probably go away soon anyway.

Also this quote:

Brittany: This relationship is confusing for me.
Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany: Well, sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's salty, like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then...what is it?

Everyone Is Gay...dot com

But seriously.

http://everyoneisgay.com/

This website makes me die laughing. It brings me close to tears. Some of their advice is just so true I want to save it forever and ever an remind myself of it when I'm having troubles or doubts in life or relationships or friendships or whatever.

Also I'm really bored on break and I'm almost up to page 40 of it.

But today's advice about hate just really made me think. And it made me sad. And on page 38 they give advice about unconditional love, and conditional love like "I only love you when you're acting this way" being bullshit. And I know I don't ever update this thing anymore but I just want to proclaim my love for this website.

It's awesome. Go check it out.

Squeeeeeeeeeee!

I can't not finish this, but I'm too impatient.

Part 12 - Someone/something you don’t like.
The smell of trash

Part 13 - What you want more than anything right now. 
That you could block texts

Part 14 - A letter to someone. Anyone. 
Dear Aubree,
You are sitting next to me. You are also really awesome. ♥
-Liza

Part 15 - Something you regret. 
Not worth having regrets

Part 16 - A list of songs that make you emotional. 
Sing by the Dresden Dolls; Song of the Children

Part 17 - A picture of you last year and how you have changed since then. 
Too lazy. I look the same, I promise.

Part 18 - What you think about your friends.
I love them lots. Self-explanatory.

Part 19 - A picture of you and your family.
Later

Part 20 - A habit you wish you didn’t have.
Saying "I mean" too much

Part 21 - Another celebrity you’d like in your bed.
Jake Gyllenhaal or however the fuck you spell it
 
Part 22 - Song lyrics you can really relate to at the moment. 
I can't think of any. I'm also not really trying.

Part 23 - The next plan you have coming up that you’re really excited for. 
seeing Alex and Lizzy in philly!

Part 24 - The last photo taken of you and someone else.
Again, too lazy to do photos

Part 25 - A photo of someone you fancy at the moment. 
Don't have one unfortunately

Part 26 - A secret.
I don't have any secrets. Shhh don't tell.

Part 27 - A photo of someone who has had a big impact on you. 
Nooooo no photos

Part 28 - A photo of anything. 
No.

Part 29 - Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Floss every day this year, go to Argentina, graduate college, get a job, have a family, do fun things this weekend

Part 30 - What have you learned in the past 30 days
A lot of things at the bi-co winter social justice institute...wooo!

Walking up early does strange things to my mind.

Here is my thought process at 6:30am the third day in a row of waking up that early:

This isn't worth the money. My body is confused and it's pitch black and I don't know why I willingly chose to do this. Was I insane?!
WAIT. I am never sleeping again.
Actually.
For some illogical reason involving Christmas and Fairleigh's coming to Boston on Monday, I can't sleep in this weekend.
And I am working this break.
And then I will go back to school and start doing work and have customs and I won't sleep.
And that will continue until graduation.
And then I'll become a part of the real world and have a 9-5 job and I'll have to get up this early EVERY DAY UNTIL RETIREMENT AND I WILL NEVER GET SLEEP EVER AGAIN.

And then somewhere between turning off my alarm and brushing my teeth I realized that was completely 100% ridiculous, and also false.

In other news, Hyperbole and a Half completely owns my soul. I dare you to read it without laughing. Seriously. It's amazing.

Also,

I recently came across this website. I think I have an unhealthy obsession with names. Potential names for my own future child/children, yes, but also just names in general. Much procrastination has occurred and will continue to occur, despite my deactivation of facebook until I get my finals done.

(Yes, I do have a "Procrastination" folder in my bookmarks. Between that and StumbleUpon, I don't think deactivating facebook really has all that much of an effect.)

Ramble on Morality and the Global Economy

In advance, I'm really sorry that this is super not-uplifting. I think it's legit though.

For today's Quaker class, we read this Pendle Hill pamphlet by David Morse called "John Woolman on Today's Global Economy." Basically, John Woolman was this Quaker dude in the 1700s who wasn't a fan of slavery, and he boycotted slave-made products and traveled around telling other people why slavery was bad. That was super radical for his time. In the pamphlet, Morse uses Woolman's life as a point of comparison to today's world and all the injustices that go on - how would Woolman have responded? (WWWD?)

The clothes you're wearing, unless you got them all from American Apparel or another sweat-free source, were probably made by slave labor or children or under other horrible working conditions in some other country. Seriously. Check the tag. Does it say "Made in the USA"? Didn't think so. My sweatshirt says "Made in Lesotho." I've never even heard of Lesotho and I as a consumer am probably exploiting people there. (It's this one, for the record, one of the ones that's landlocked in the middle of South Africa.) My t-shirt was made in Pakistan, my jeans in China, and my leggings in Latvia. Children weave carpets in Nepal who sleep next to their looms, get no education or medical care, don't eat enough, end up with horrible ailments, and will probably be sexually abused in their lifetime. Where do those carpets end up? In the homes of people who live in the wealtheir parts of the world. (For the sake of academic integrity, I tried to paraphrase but really I just plagiarized a lot of that wording. Page 9, if you're wondering.) Oh, and bananas? Banana pickers in Ecuador are exposed to pesticides, and their union leaders are beaten or they "disappear." So what IS safe for the moral consumer to buy?

Well that's the kicker - we're left in the dark. It's nearly impossible for our "actions [to be] consonant with [our] beliefs" (10). Clearly Morse's words describe this way better: "Today we are invited to sit blindfolded within the box, to feel overwhelmed by the complexity of the world, to experience a paradoxical choicelessness before the glut of information and goods that bombards us daily. How can we restore our own field of moral choice" (19) when everyone is out to make a profit rather instead of paying attention to human rights and fair treatment and sustainability and honesty? The media doesn't report on it, the government doesn't regulate it, and the companies don't tell us what really goes on behind it.

So then he goes on about how we often praise the work of John Woolman or Gandhi or MLK, but we view ourselves as insufficient for that "depth of moral conviction" and "content [ourselves] with lesser goals and lesser degrees of passion." Maybe I could be the next Woolman. In fact I could be if I wanted to be. But realistically I probably won't be, since I'm not about to devote my life to attaining that level of goals and passion. I still plan on functioning within the confines of my society, quite frankly, even if it means not reaching my full moral potential. The question is, what CAN I do? What can I do today or tomorrow, small or big? Morse suggests things like working for non-profits and networking and talking to people, and he says something about "finding God in the supermarket," but I don't get that because he had already said we're denied information about the products we buy. Of course, that left me incredibly frustrated, because I got all worked up and then didn't get any real solutions or answers to my questions.

Here's another good one (last one, I swear): "When we are systematically denied a basis for making moral choices, we are forced to make amoral choices; this knowledge of our own complicity in turn reinforces our apathy, and thus we deny ourselves the possibility of a moral choice" (24). I fear that I fall into this category. I'll probably forget about this pamphlet within a month, even though I hope I don't. I'm so overwhelmed by my desire to end sweatshop labor and profit-focused greed and implement organic-ness and sustainability everywhere.

So then, our homework assignment was to come up with and do, in the next 48 hours, something to improve our moral choices. Something small, since we only have 48 hours. No leading a campus-wide fruit boycott or something drastic. So I cleaned out the brita pitcher in which the water has literally been gathering dust in my fridge (it tasted funny so I left it there to rot), so now I can stop gathering plastic water bottles. I also looked up American Apparel and sweatshop-free products on Google. I was surprised by how much is out there, but EVERYTHING IS SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE! Which it would be, since the whole point of exploiting people is to create cheap enough products to compete in the global marketplace. Which leads me to the conclusion that living a moral lifestyle within the context of the global economy is impossible unless you're privileged enough to be able to regularly afford $250 jackets and $40 leggings and $50 t-shirts. Which leaves me even MORE bitter and helpless-feeling. Why is it so hard?!

the margin of page 21

On a slightly more hopeful note though, John Woolman never saw slavery get abolished. He definitely didn't do all that work for nothing - he just unfortunately never got to see his efforts come to fruition. And for Thursday we have to skim through everything and find our favorite quotes from everything we read in the class, and one of the ones I found from another Pendle Hill pamphlet by Daniel O. Snyder was: "Together we learn to discern the contours of hope, for although we yearn to see and to celebrate the visible results of our work, we dare not anchor hope in the visible results of our work, for we are working toward a future that may be many generation in the making, a future that we may not see in our lifetime, indeed a future that may never exist. We learned that the work itself is our sign of hope ("Quaker Witness as Sacrament" 30). So I guess that's kind of pessimistic and optimistic at the same time - despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure what I can do, in terms of being overwhelmed by trying to end all evils in the world ASAP, it's just not going to happen in my lifetime and I need to accept that. That doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't work towards improvement so that it might happen in generations to come.

Winter Break and Kona Coffee Swirls

Seeing as I am a haver-holic (phrase shamelessly stolen from Sam Shain), leaving here for extended periods of time is always kind of bittersweet for me. I'm change averse, and I miss this place, and my friends, and my routine terribly. Plus since I live here, there are always things at home that I seem to be missing or left here or can't find. However, in the spirit of being positive (and also copying Jessi's facebook note), here is a list of reasons why I'm looking forward to break:

• No more work! For a whole month!
• Which means no procrastination, and no feeling guilty for being social because I should be doing something else right now
• Sleeping in my own bed, which is not three feet off the ground
• Showering without shoes on
• Driving around Needham late at night
• Indian food
• Adventures in Boston
• Seeing my wifey, Neelima, and spending all too much time together while she's home
• Same for Charly and Sarah - maybe some pool? movies? food-eating? Friendly's-ing for sure.
• And of course Jessi (speaking of adventures in Boston...also watching movies!)
• And probably Moder and Leah and Peter and Deb and.........
• Work, which leads to paychecks
• Fairleigh is coming to visit!
• And then we are going to Vermont to see Maia for New Years!
• Maybe sleeping in a few times
• Seeing my parents and my puppy (and by "puppy" I mean 12-year-old beardie Delilah who is currently in adorable little diapers)
• Playing in the snow
• Christmas, and hopefully seeing family in CT, which means stories and warmth and a fire and a Christmas tree and delicious beef wellington
• Non-DC food for a whole month
• Not having to remember to water my plant
• Not having to do my own dishes...having a dishwasher at hand is highly underrated
• Boston in winter, in general
• Did I mention paychecks?
• Or seeing friends?!
• Or food??!?!?!
• You get the picture...

Also, in other news, I just got a care package from my parents and just want to say that these things (Kona Coffee Swirls) are fucking AMAZING:

(if you go to Haverford and are reading this come by and get some cause they're delicious!)

Bad Dreams

What does it mean if I've had dreams two nights in a row that I was almost certainly going to die? Two nights ago it was blood poisoning; last night it was rabies. I think I really need winter break...

 ^The rabid cat from my dream that was going to bite me and had already bitten a girl who bit her boyfriend who lived on my hall and was at some point sure to bite me, if the cat didn't get to me first (except it had red eyes and was foaming at the mouth and was a lot scarier and was in the hallway outside my bedroom)

Note: when I woke up this morning I immediately realized that there is a rabies vaccine, so even if the rabid cat / hallmate had bitten me, I probably wouldn't have died. Also when I woke up my neck was a little stiff and since I have a cold I was convinced I had meningitis and was going to die...then I watched this funny movie trailer and felt better.

Things I Am Thankful For This Thanksgiving

Well, there are a lot of things, but here's a brief and incomplete list in the spirit of Thanksgiving!

•  My friends - and you in particular, dear blog reader!
• Being home for Thanksgiving
• Being here with Josh!
• Getting to see some of my family today
• That my cousins, whom I would normally see today but won't, seem to be having a good time in San Diego
• My health, and the health of everyone close to me
• Being at Haverford! And the community in general...I feel so lucky to be a part of it (awwww)
• That my classes aren't completely killing me, even if I am a little miffed about all the work I have to do this weekend
• My lovely freshmen and my kick-ass customs team!
• Hopefully getting to see a lot of home friends tomorrow morning, and already having seen Sarah and Pargol
• That this year has been pretty incredible so far overall
• That certain people have been there for me when I really needed it
• The support of my friends, in general, and the support of my community
• Everything I'm learning, in classes and in life
• An awesome Customs Committee!
• GSpot's being generally awesome/successful
• The new friends I've made this year, and my old friends too! ♥
• My parents and all their support
• The fact that all of my high school friends have for the most part managed to keep in touch
• The fact that my freshman hall is for the most part still close
• Everything I have, in general
• That I got to see some teachers (and baby Mina!) yesterday at NHS
• That Boston is just as beautiful as ever
• That my bedroom is big enough to harbor an air bed and pretend to be a comfortable double for 4 nights
• And a lot more...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Parts 7 to 11

Part 07 - Quote one of the nicest messages you have ever recieved on ask/formspring.

"I love you. I think it's rare that people make that declaration without expectation but with sincerity. But look. I just did. <3"


Part 08 - List the people you have slept with by their initials.

No. And those aren't initials.


Part 09 - A song that has lyrics you’d consider getting tattooed.

I don't think there are any. The only words I'd currently consider getting tattooed are "If you're going through hell, keep going." And that's only if I ever have a reason.


Part 10 - A photo from the last social event you went to.

I can't find any pictures of me at any recent social events, actually. I guess no one was taking pictures - I swear I leave my dorm room on occasion. Here's one of me, Emily, and Josh from before Halloween.




Part 11 - What would I find in your bag?

phone, ipod, wallet/onecard holder, chapstick, lip gloss, chamsa charm, worry stone that says "listen to your heart," little mirror, gum/mints, pencil, keys, camera

Parts 2 through 6 (why am I doing this again?)

Part 02 - Write a letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
(wow, way to start this off on a depressing note.)

Dear _____,
What needs to happen for you to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you?

-Liza



Part 03 - A photo of you in a drunken state.

I really don't think one exists, but I'll go through facebook...
Technically this picture was taken post-pregame, so I think it's the best I can do.

(3/3 ♥)


Part 04 - The best concert/gig you have been to.

Well, when I saw Nsync in 4th grade it was the BEST THING EVER. I mean there were lasers and shit, and at one point they launched themselves at this velcro wall and danced on it. But I really loved the Indigo Girls concert I went to summer before senior year, cause we got up close and met them after (see the picture below). I also saw some English teachers from my high school there and it was mad awkward. Also everyone was middle-aged and really gay (except for those high school English teachers, incidentally), so it was kinda weird for us.

Me, Emily, and Eva with Emily (top) and Amy (bottom)


Part 05 - A photo of yourself, not taken by you.

Well neither one of those photos was taken by me, but here's another random one. 

What? I said it would be random. This is me in the trunk of a car. We were on the highway on the way to Cape Cod this past summer, but obviously there was a ton of traffic cause it was a Friday afternoon. When this photo was taken we were moving, but very slowly, and I had discovered that climbing into the trunk backwards was possible if I put half the seat down and pulled all the shit out of the trunk (orange shovel?!). I think this photo was taken by Neelima from the passenger seat, and Sarah was driving, cause we were on our way to visit Charly in Wellfleet. Oh yeah, that was the time Charly's family met Jacob Horn on the Cape and then we invited him to s'mores but he had already left! Good times.


Part 06 - What you did today- in detail.

Woo! So I woke up at 11:30, texted Aubree that no I would not be going to brunch at 11:15 but thanks for the text, and showered. Then, I once again found that I had not left myself enough time to eat in my room before the Customs Committee meeting, so I went over to the DC and grabbed coffee and some cereal/milk in a cup, and headed to the DC basement for our meeting. That lasted until 4 (SUCH AN AWESOME GROUP OF PEOPLE!), and I stayed in the Customs room until 5:30 editing my Spanish paper. Then I went up and ate dinner with Fairleigh and Gina, and then I went back down and Aubree and I recorded this thingy for the Listening Project. So basically we talked to each other (but really a tape recorder) for a bit about Haverford. Then I drafted my Quaker interview reflection paper. It still needs a lot of work, but I've actually been productive today. Then I walked back to Gummere, checked Facebook etc., and now I'm updating my blog. What I should be doing is my Spanish reading, but the night is young...

Part 1

The celebrity you’d do unthinkable, illegal things to, male and female.

I feel like this is implying sex, but all it sounds like to me is serial killing.

And I'm not the biggest celebrity person anyway, so I'm trying to decide which way I want to go with this...well I'd rather do naughty things with someone than kill them, but these "things" probably wouldn't be unthinkable or illegal.

Can I just take Brangelina out of Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Technically that's characters, not celebs, but I'm okay with that.

They just can't wrap their head around all the naughty/illegal/unspeakable things I want to do to them, apparently...